vent / emotional processing of my situation with my ex-friend + making peace?
Long vent for the sake of processing the situation because so much of it has been so bizarre and baffling. I’ve also not been this blindsided by another person in a long time and made to feel so anxious and restless.
I’ve tried to make peace with this by focusing on what I had to do to grow and even talked to others about it but everyone just told me I was taking too much responsibility in areas that were not my fault and things that did not need changing. In fact, I was told to be more selfish?? lmao.. and to try less 😭? ? …
so I guess this will be a dump of all my frustrations
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For the first time in my life I cut a ‘friend’ out of my life for my own sake. The last time I cut someone off for my own sake was six years ago and it was my abusive ex-boyfriend. I’ve kept all my friends unless they repeatedly hurt another friend of mine and the actions were unforgivable and irrational. All my friends now, unless recently made, in real life and online, have been friends with me for years. They’re all such wonderful people with such different personalities, backgrounds, upbringings, different mental and physical conditions, their own ways of living, their own sense of morality, their own way of navigating the world and their emotions and logic, their own desires and aspirations. Even my boyfriend often disagrees with me and the way I do things, but we are still so perfect for each other regardless :3. I’m so glad to be friends with so many different people and appreciate every bit that makes them who they are. I love all my friends, and I’m forever glad to know they love me too, and that I can be secure in this. I know they can be honest with me as they have been. Unfortunately, I over-applied this sense of trust and security that I developed.
I had truly believed that an ‘ex-friend’ I cut off recently was a good and kind person that did not have any bad intentions. It was frustrating, to have to be convinced otherwise by my other friends, and it wasn’t just one or two that knew each other, it was ten different people and most of them didn’t know each other or think in the same way. Why is it that every single one which read the uncut, uncensored, messages I presented because I wanted to give objective context and wanted honest feedback and was so ready to be criticised had to try so hard to make me realise that she was being malicious and repeatedly advised me to cut her off? Why was it that every single one of my other friends advised so strongly that I stopped being her friend when I tried so hard to defend her and explain her behaviour and how I truly believed she was kind and I could trust her? It was so painful to be proven wrong and to find out that I really could not trust someone I thought was my friend and was kind.
I hate that I had to find out through friends that she talked behind my back and made so many accusations about me that weren’t true at all and not rooted in any objective thing that I did. I hate that I had to find out she was dishonest about the situation, our conversations, and me as a person, so dishonest and vague that I had to be the one to show unfiltered evidence, to show every single exchange we ever had so that it could be judged fairly. Up until this situation happened and I accepted my own frustrations at the situation, my friends and my boyfriend can attest that I spoke kindly of her and wanted to be a good friend to her. I thought she wanted more effort so I tried and tried so hard to think of ways I could be reassuring or help cheer her up. I tried so hard to reach out to her all the time. I never lied or pretended to like her or like being around her, it’s so unfair that she did. It’s so disrespectful that she did and would vaguely vent about me to everyone and everywhere but talk to me when a lot of those things that she accused me of could have EASILY been cleared up if she went to me instead of ANYONE ELSE.
It’s so ridiculous for her to think we did the same amount of ‘wrong’ and hurt when she said and did and falsely assumed far more than I ever did. I was more honest, direct, and considerate than she ever was with me – this is not bias but repeat observation from both me and others of our conversations and how we interacted. I am transparent with everything because I value objectivity and receiving honest feedback, this is to ensure fairness for the other person and so that if I did do wrong I can have the opportunity to grow. I don’t care how harsh people may respond to me if I did do wrong, I can meet it with grace and grow without deflection if it is true. The same cannot be said for her who I’ve watched be vague, dishonest, and make exaggerated false claims without showing a word of what she or I actually said or even the original context. If she really cared for honesty, integrity, fairness, empathy, and learning then she would have LOOKED for what was said and presented them honestly for discussion and perspective, not say “oh I don’t even remember what I said… or what they* said so maybe I misunderstood???” (*used the wrong pronouns on me) how about you read properly what I said again if you actually cared!! LITERALLY ANYONE WHO READ THE MESSAGES saw that I said something, You Misunderstood, I got upset and tried to explain again, you deflected and finally let out everything that you let build up and communicated ASSUMPTIONS like FACT.
God forbid I wanted to talk instead of hiding what I was thinking bc I valued the friendship!!
What’s so frustrating was that me saying “this is something really personal to me and I really care about it which is why I want to talk” (THIS OBVIOUSLY HAS EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT, and count how many times I said “this hurts” / “this is hurtful” – but apparently it only registers as emotion when someone that isn't me says it LMAO!!) led to her framing it as me “putting my moral perspectives over her wellbeing” and me “manipulating her into abiding by my morals” !? how is this Not a twisting of narratives whether consciously or not !?
Why was it that I had to be the one to try to understand and accommodate her way of communication why did everything rely on me making things clear why did I have to bear all that responsibility in a FRIENDSHIP something that is meant to be a two way effort!! Take a look at yourself for once I’m so fucking tired !!!!!
It is so unfair and lacking in awareness for her to conclude that the issue was me “not being honest with my emotions” and being too objective and logical, and saying that I should have been more communicative and understanding, when she had only ever complained about me behind my back and brewed resentment rather than try to clear things up with me, and our relationship hinged on me being as understanding and accepting of her as I could when she did not truly understand a shred of me or ‘communicate’ with me like she’d been telling people that she did. I’ve scrolled through our chats together countless times with friends now and the evidence to prove the things she’s saying are literally not there!!! We processed and expressed emotions differently and I understood this, but somehow to her, me expressing my emotions was not expressing them at all? Why is it that she could only see my emotions when I expressed them the same way I understood that she did (“when they* FINALLY showed emotion in their message” *she used the wrong pronouns on me) and when I did she immediately applied it back to herself AGAIN and think that I’m exactly like her when I’m not? THIS IS THE ISSUE. Every time I think about how she addressed my ‘feelings’ I remember how she would start explaining a feeling completely different to mine and say things that did not apply to me, who I am as a person, and my experiences. It was painfully obvious that she could only refer to her own emotional bank. I didn’t appreciate this at all because again, it builds up in the pattern of her constant false assumptions and accusations on me and weird projections. It’s also one reason why near the end I felt like I could not express my emotions to her at all because no matter what I said she misunderstood and turned them into something completely different. Not to mention the way she spirals and buries into her feelings over everything, I could only see my emotions making things worse, especially after what she confessed to me when we had the conversation about a joke she made that I was uncomfortable with because it was rooted in racist rhetorics.
Now that I mention it. I was told that she complained about the conversation we had about it behind my back and said she felt attacked. She said she tried to explain what she meant (the explanation was racist, and factually wrong) and that she didn’t mean to be racist (I know she didn’t and I literally reassured her, but what she said was still racist), but I “kept going on and on” (yes because I was explaining that it was still racist). This is just insane to me? Because I genuinely thought the conversation went well as she didn’t get angry at me or start treating me differently and I literally prioritised her feelings in this because I knew she’d take it hard and the messages showed that I was as understanding as I possibly could be of her. Yet somehow this still wasn’t enough and she apparently held resentment from feeling attacked by this the whole time !? and it was about a racist joke !? I take with a grain of salt that this was relayed to me by a friend, but I have no reason to not trust him over her, especially after all that I found out she’s said and done while we were still friends. Also, it literally lines up with her last messages to me as I’ve literally only confronted her TWICE, her messages could literally only relate to this situation and the NPD/ASPD/People that struggle with emotions and empathy, UNLESS she took things that I said and posted and MADE THEM ABOUT HER when UNLIKE HER I don’t make directed stories at friends I can literally just fucking talk to (if I attempt to reach out more than once and they do not want to communicate with me then it is no longer my fault and responsibility, they can no longer justifiably put blame onto me because it was their choice) and then lie and pretend they aren’t about specific friends. Stop lying to yourself and others when it’s obvious as shit to everyone else.
From Day 1 Luciel and Shint realised they had to walk on eggshells around her too and knew they couldn’t be fully honest with her without fear of her reactions. I hate that they pretend to be her friend when they also contributed to convincing me to cut her off and stop being friends with her for my own sake. They tell me she is selfish, manipulative, and stupid, an idiot, and that they hate her. They are not people who are automatically on my side either, none of my friends are because I’ve always asked of them to be honest with me and hold me accountable and be critical when need be, and they know this, and I will always give them full transparency for fairness of whoever the situation involves. My persisting friendships are all built on genuine integrity and care. Even my boyfriend will scold me and has when I am being unreasonable or cruel. This time, I only received anger directed towards her and relentless criticism of her actions and words, only apologies towards me for the situation, and advice to cut her off immediately and not try anymore. Especially my boyfriend who has known of her since the start since I happily tell him every new friend I make, and he knows I have never been mocking or unkind or cruel towards people I call my friends. He knows of every concern and effort I’ve ever made, and through it all he kept warning me of her and told me nothing good would come out of it, I persisted because I genuinely thought she was a kind and good person who will heal. I almost wish I had listened. I will never regret trying to be a good friend because I truly cared about her and wanted to be, and I will continue to treat every friend I make with as much care and effort, but I will be more careful with who I be friends with now…
It’s also invigorating that my attempts at communicating my emotions and my perception of the situation is somehow me being “displeased with her expression of emotions” when it’s never been the expression of her emotions that bothered me, it’s the content and how she is literally WRONG ABOUT THE CONTEXT/WHAT I SAID/ME AS A PERSON AND LYING!!! Get your head out of your ass OH MY GOD NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR EGO AND YOUR IDENTITY it’s so fucking frustrating trying to talk to someone who clearly tries to protect their ego above all even if it means being dishonest, vague, and straight up lying. Of course everything in the end had to be my fucking fault and I had to be the ones to do things differently and not you. I’m actually so sick and the last time I was this sick of a person and situation was when my abusive father pulled all the shit that he did.
What makes me feel so fucking anxious when I think about her is that she shows the EXACT SAME BEHAVIOUR PATTERNS with an extremely similar emotional drive to my abusive father, and she isn’t even an abusive person!? MY BOYFRIEND EVEN IDENTIFIED THAT SHE SHOWS SIMILAR TOXIC AND HARMFUL BEHAVIOUR PATTERNS AS HIS OWN ABUSIVE FATHER. How the fuck as a 21 year old mentally ill woman do you manage to remind two people of their abusive fathers when they’re completely unrelated to you. Worst part is that I’m not twisting shit and if I made a side by side video comparison of the way she behaved with me and to Luciel with the way my father does it’s identical and it’s so insane.
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I'm still struggling to process the experience I had with my ex-friend because imagine you thought you were getting along fine with a friend and you genuinely thought of her as a sweet and kind person who didn't have bad intentions and she’d literally tell you that she loves you and appreciates you and you try your best to be there for her and reassure her that you like her and you are her friend and try to support her however you can and always reach out to hang out and she always agree and says she likes hanging out with you and would like to hang out again yay you feel the same way!!. but then she starts ignoring you more and more but you know she’s mentally ill so you don't take it to heart but then she starts being indirectly hostile towards you ON HER PRIVATE INSTAGRAM STORY and you're confused but maybe it's not about you and you don't want to accuse your friend of anything. then this friend becomes acquainted with your best friend and your best friend says to you ‘hey I think you make her insecure but it is not your fault, you’re just living and existing and being you, but that’s the problem I think it makes her feel bad’ and you feel like shit and so guilty over this even though you can’t change anything because you aren’t forcing anything or preaching anything you are simply living and being your honest self and all you can do is reassure her if only she would talk you and reply to the messages she’s ignored for 6 months. regardless you keep trying to talk to her and ask how you can help support and reassure her more through her difficult times, she is dismissive. but you never ignore her and reach out to her and go up to her when possible because you fear that she feels unwanted because she has expressed that fear previously. she acts awkward but you can’t tell whether it’s because she doesn’t want to be around you or if’s just anxious about being welcomed and when u try to ask you can tell she is struggling to be honest with you so you try to reassure as much as you can with your bff. fast foward one day she says something that was worded strangely and had harmful implications and your mutual friend is hurt by it and you are concerned so you try to talk to her but she completely misunderstands what you're saying and when you try to explain what you were saying she misunderstands again and then start making a bunch of accusations out of nowhere that didn't align with how you act at all and you find out she disliked you and didn't like being around you the whole time and would be vague or dishonest about conversations between you two and she even complained about you confronting her for repeating racist rhetoric (still the craziest part to me) because she felt attacked. and apparently I was "manipulating" her into "abiding by my morals" for confronting her a total of TWO TIMES about racist rhetorics RELATING TO MY ETHNICITY and concern over what it sounded like she was saying about other mental disorders. Also apparently I never expressed emotions / don't feel them just because I didn't process and express my emotions the way she does and she thinks everything could have been avoided if I wasn't so 'objective' and 'logical' and talked more about my emotions????????? I barely understand what she's thinking anymore. and somehow she can move past this but I can't yet ?? like she got to just get away with everything and concluded to herself and others that everything was my fault in the end ?? be I was apparently not honest enough about my emotions? I don't get it and I've replayed everything so much in my head now.
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I was told she felt attacked by an instagram story I made criticising normalised misogyny and transmisogyny and complained about it too ?? she conveniently left out the story in which I screenshotted instagram comments under a reel where people were repeating misogynistic and transmisogynistic bullshit about what it means to be a real woman and was criticisng them. I never mentioned her and was not accusing her of transmisogyny but she linked it back to her own posts about struggling with her feelings about being a woman BUT I DIDN'T EVEN THINK IT WAS FULLY APPLICABLE THERE !!! THAT'S WHY I APPROACHED HER NICELY AND OPENLY AND REASSURED HER AND SAID SHE CAN TALK TO ME ABOUT IT IF SHE WANTS HELP FIGURING IT OUT BC I'M TRANS AND I GET BEING CONFUSED EVEN IF U AREN'T TRANS!!! so if she felt so attacked and guilty that she had to complain to someone about what I said UNRELATED TO HER then maybe she has something to unpack there. IDK, but I'm curious about some of the strange comments she's made about trans men being a "grey area" in terms of morality / men being awful. Also she deflected concerns as me criticising and attacking her being her true self which was insane to me when I only ever addressed perceived bigotry and it only happened Twice and months apart.
I'm so sick of her never sharing the full story so she can only talk about her feelings and lash out about me without receiving any other possible perspective and then feigning responsibility by some add on "ohh but I forgot what I even said or what they* said so maybe I misunderstood" I think if she actually cared about fairness and honesty in this and could accept being wrong then she would look for it and actually have a genuine discussion about it. but no she always dodges the full context and focuses on her emotions and every way that she felt she was 'wronged'. I had to be the one to give full context and show entire unfiltered chat logs that proved how much she twisted things and lied. And then somehow I'm the bad one because I prefer being objective. I genuinely hope she grows.
- kept using the wrong pronouns on me
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I consider so much of her feelings and put them first without feeling bitter about it but the one time I express upset she “regrets being considerate” of me lmao ? So much big fucking talk about how her expression of emotions and how her being upset and her reactions to things people say to her are valid but the one time I’m not accommodating and sugar coating things I’m the unreasonable one and the one that “turned on” her when she’d been shit talking me and making false accusations the whole time and hiding her resentment towards me so what the hell.
— why am I having bad dreams about her leave me alone holy shit
I hate rhat I get zero closure
I truly never want to see her again or talk to her again. the fact that I had to be told by everyone else around me just how unfair and cruel her actions and words actually were is still crazy to me . and now I do wish I listened to everyone that warned me …
I’m at least grateful to know that I was met with rationality, reason, and integrity when I went to my friends. Knowing that my friends aren’t just backing me up because they’re my friends but because they genuinely supported me and didn’t think I was insane and reassured me of my doubts and had to tell me that I was taking too much responsibility for things that weren’t my fault. Still not too sure about the ‘too empathic’ / ‘care too much’ comments… I am just that way forever… sorry ali…
oh my god it pmo when dove said to me “I was like this too… cared too much until it killed me” oh my god we are nothing alike genuinely nothing alike stop doing this in response to me trying to process my own feelings and experience. my love and care aren’t built on the same foundations as yours, they are not the same in condition and nature. I do not feel the same way about my own care. I hate being projected onto before actually being seen. plus so much of what she does is for her own ego especially how she reacts to things and views other people and situations.
thank goodness my actual friends do not do this to me and I’m grateful my boyfriend understands me so deeply and well. So thankful for my amazing friends that have so much integrity I’ve felt so reassured by everyone giving me their honest opinions and read on the situation that I was transparent about and showed literal unfiltered proof and context of so I wasn’t being biased and overly focused on my feelings and perspective.
I will heal from this situation eventually and this won’t stop me from being myself and trying to be as open as possible. If people choose to misconstrue me as a person based on their own feelings and not actually examining who I am on my own it is not on me. If people make up lies about me and complain about me behind my back it is not on me. It says more of their immaturity and cowardice especially if I’ve consistently made an effort. I remain understanding I just won’t allow myself to defend people for their actions anymore just because I understand their struggles and mental illness and where they are coming from - I don’t really do this anyway I’m just more lenient with friends and people I perceive as kind and not having bad intentions - but I found out from this that I’m sometimes bad at judging whether people are kind or have bad intentions so! whatever. I don’t need people to treat me well and to the same level of care for me to treat them well and want to help them and care for them but I have limits and snap too :(. If I found out too many lines have been crossed I’m not going to remain as gentle and respectful?? Sometimes people really just no long deserve benefit of the doubt or so much respect.
In the end I can sleep peacefully knowing that I did all that I could and I personally could not have done more to change anything. Blaming me in this situation and saying I could have done better or done things differently was disingenuous. Following everyone’s advice, I will not take responsibility anymore. I do hope that she grows. But it’s not my business anymore.
I will take my time to heal and forgive. I know that things will get better and I’m so grateful that I am so supported and that the support is fair and honest instead of biased. I know that my friends are truly with me because they love me for who I am and trust me as I trust and love them, and I would still love them as much if they didn’t (so long as they retain basic decency in how they treat me and others and are Not behaving the way I found out my ex-friend was). I’ve received so many kind and reassuring responses that were honest in the face of my full context and transparency, I never have to rely on shallow comfort from people that don't know the ins and outs of my situations, I’m grateful to be so loved T.T and I’m grateful I know and love everyone.
I will find peace… and I will continue to grow and be a better person each year :3. My boyfriend says he’s watched me grow positively a lot in the past few years hehe...