Vent?
Note: this was written after a friend came to me to tell me what she had said about me and told me her own negative experiences with her.
Found out my ex-friend has been making up multiple inconsistent narratives about me as a person and what happened between us to different people!! "Too logical" and then "oversensitive / too emotional" make up your mind ?? I genuinely hate having negative things to say about people so bad but this has all just been so insane and exhausting. I don't know how she thinks our actions were equal when the people close to me can attest to never having unnecessarily badmouthed her or said hurtful and insulting (character) things behind her back to others (I literally defended her and was transparent) when she did the whole time apparently, seen some insanely callous dms, and has been continuously dishonest and cruel and non-reflective.
I have no idea whether she realises it or not but literally everyone I've spoken to about her since the situation (because they came to me first or are trusted people that help me see things better in an unbiased way and are better at seeing when people are being malicious towards me bc I genuinely suck at identifying malicious behaviours directed at me personally) has told me first that they have observed her consistently engaging in manipulative behaviours, which I hadn't even considered prior to our falling out.
It's just insane that she's 'warning' / 'advising' people to stay away from me or 'not get too close' like it just isn't for her own benefit and not the other person's at all. Because I don't have malicious intentions nor am I a different person when you get close to me 😭! Unlike the stark difference in how she acts in a smaller space compared to in public — and I’m not talking about shit like acting more cheerful or like everything’s fine when they’re not — I’m talking about literally being a more cruel person that says harmful things in more ‘private’ spaces. On my account and on the account of multiple of our mutual friends, she is not a trustworthy person. Honestly the more I found out about her and the things she's said and done both in relation to me and other people the more I regret having ever put that much time, money, and effort into our friendship instead of just running away sooner. I regret defending her so much to others too.
I'm honestly a bit upset about someone I met recently ghosting me because of her, but I'm glad existing friends haven't believed her because of how inconsistent, vague / watered down, and just flat out wrong her narratives have been. It's understandable that someone who met her first and has been friends with her for a bit would believe her and act in her favour though, so it is what it is. I’m glad that some people who knew us both recognised how it actually was and came to talk to me about it. It sucks to know how low she can go from others but it’s also important information that helps me not regret cutting her off for me and my friends’ sake (although it did take an embarrassing amount of convincing from everyone).
I'm a bit more calm and rational about everything that happened now and not as emotional, but I'm newly upset because it just really sucks that she's trying to sabotage my friendships (over things that aren't true or explained properly) when I haven't touched hers because those are in her hands and I think everyone deserves to have friends that they can talk to that also like who they are as people. I found out she's tried to sabotage other people's friendships too and not just mine, goodness gracious. Despite everything she's done and the people she's hurt she still makes herself out to be the main 24/7 victim?? to the point where she's somehow made herself the victim of things SHE DID to ME... she's violated multiple people's trusts and anything she's ever complained about she's literally a hypocrite of and I'm not the only person to have observed this. The image of being an innocent, fragile, and 'deep-down-good' person who is always being victimised that she pushes will crumble anyway. Being a victim NEVER absolves you of the possibility of becoming a perpetrator that uses the same manipulation and gaslighting tactics.
One day I won't have to be in the same environment as her and she'll be a figment of the past. I pray for her growth as a person and for her to stop harming herself and her ability to make friends by behaving in the way she currently does. Literally other people that know her too have said to me that the behaviours she's displayed is only hurting herself. Despite having defended her previously, I see now that her inability to make and keep close friendships is not always because of others, there are cases where it is because of her own behaviour and beliefs. Talking about me dishonestly and badly by twisting narratives and withholding information and the truth of both our actions harms her more than it will ever harm me because the truth of what happened, my own actions, and who I am as a person all speak for themselves. 'Defaming' (via being untruthful and not fully transparent about the person and their actions and your own) and mocking others and trying to keep new friends away from others using lies and manipulation is never the way to make and maintain friendships, nor will it ever make you seem like the better person.
I just find the situation I was in now to be ridiculous and a complete joke because it was escalated so wildly due to her immaturity. I'm glad I'm not the only person to have thought of it this way after being completely transparent with people about what actually happened. Very annoying that I have to constantly fill in gaps and evidence of the situation though to people who have talked to me about it while she's creating multiple versions of me as a person to people. It says A LOT that she isn't willing to be fully transparent about the situation and her own actions, let alone show screenshots of anything and what she actually said and did. You can't just say "well I'm not a racist or ableist person, so surely I couldn't have been racist or ableist ever", everyone has cognitive biases and harmful beliefs and it's up to you to unpack them if it's brought up to you, not deflect and say that's not 'who you are' and start unloading all your built up false accusations and hatred you had brewing over your own false beliefs and skewed understanding, or change the topic completely to something that wasn't even being addressed. It's not about your ego or who you are as a person, it's about ideas, beliefs, and phrases that may be weird and harmful and reflecting on them. You objectively did hurt other people with what you said, and when I show others what was said they express that they feel hurt or offended by it also, so how could what you have said been fully innocent and I was just 'too sensitive'. Even if it wasn't what you fully meant, phrasing is important and can hurt others regardless of actual intention. You must understand that the way you choose your words are going to impact other people and how they understand you and your beliefs regardless of your intentions. Changing up what you said or saying one part and leaving out the other and not bringing up your actual words to reflect and discuss them says a lot about you also! It would really benefit people to understand that no one is a good or bad person or completely moral in one direction or the other, we are all humans that do good and bad things, humans that are capable of being kind and cruel, humans that are selfish and selfless, it is not one or the other. Nothing is personal and an attack on character unless the people are immature and so self-absorbed that they don't even read or listen to what's actually being said anymore.
Actually so idiotic. Imagine being treated less than human, guilt-tripped, manipulated (while making excuses for her own manipulative behaviours and acting like the only victim), and blindsided/back-stabbed by a girl that associates herself with angels and doves, who reminds you and your boyfriend of your individual abusive fathers because they exhibit the same abusive and manipulative behaviours with the same emotional drive (sounds like an insane thing to say but I genuinely got crazy whiplash a few times and saw a side by side comparison in my head), actually crazy but no one is too shocked at this point. I fully understand that she is mentally ill and have defended her on the basis of this as well as acknowledging her trauma multiple times, but it will never absolve her of the hurt she caused nor will it negate the fact that she sometimes acts maliciously, breaks the trust of others and between others, and is dishonest for her own sake. It is okay to acknowledge that you do act selfishly instead of denying it and acting like you are a "selfless people pleaser" (most people you see actively identifying themselves as such are not people pleasers at all) all the time when literally no one is and you're always wanting the most from other people and guilt-tripping whoever can see your ’private’ posts.
It's somehow always "only God can judge me" when they get criticised or called out for harmful and malicious behaviour as an excuse, instead of actually acknowledging their own actions and growing as a person. Top 5 worst responses of all time. People can judge you and your actions actually because you share a space with them and thus what you say and do impacts those around you, you are not exempt from having an opinion being formed of you and being held accountable for actions when you try to exist and connect with others, and it's not like there any way you haven't judged others too, harshly even. The phrase being used as a shield to avoid accountability and exempt yourself from possible wrongdoing or being an asshole is (depending on the religion) also a disservice to the respective religion because it fundamentally misconstrues its intention.
I haven't cut off a friend for my own sake prior to this before, the first person I took the initiative to cut off was my abusive ex-boyfriend, now I've cut off my first unhealthy friendship. I'm so glad my husband and friends that I spoke to (fully transparently, as I strongly value being always open to criticism of my own actions to grow as a person and be better) about this kept trying to convince and encourage me to cut her off while I kept defending her and kept trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm really grateful to everyone that supported me without being immediately on my side and actually pointed things out to me about her behaviours that I hadn't considered prior and reflected on how I responded too. I'm happier now with my new and existing friendships that I am nurturing, I'm truly grateful for all the amazing and unique people in my life, we learn from each other and grow with each other <3. I'm grateful to all the kind strangers that helped me out in public too like when I was crying on the train and a kind lady tried to discreetly pass tissues to my friend for me but ended up passing it to me on her own (so sweet I think about her everyday), or when my shopping bag ripped in the store and things kept falling out at separate times in the store but each time a different stranger would tell me and pick it up for me and when I was like ahh I need to get a new bag!! the security guard picked up a bag for me and held it open to help me move my things from my ripped bag to the new bag... everyone in the store was so kind... ohh this has just given me an idea... I'll make a log of all the kind and sweet interactions I have with strangers or witness firsthand!! :D yipepe
Hehe,,.. end of vent. I feel better now and I would rather appreciate the love in my life and keep doing my best to be as kind and loving as I can be forever than be consumed by the malice in some people's hearts and their ignorance and cruelty. I will keep growing and work to become a better person each day, and I will face the world and others with love and hope, because that is the kind of person I want to be the way I want to live my life. Love is what makes so much of our life, it keeps people warm and that warmth travels far into the future and spreads all around!!